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Loosely Literal

Loosely Literal: How to Hygge

Posted on Fri, Jan 6 2017 9:00 am by Sally Franson

As soothing as a video of a basket of baby sloths, and borne on a raft of lifestyle books, hygge is headed for your living room...More than 20 how-to hygge books were published in 2016.” ~The New York Times, Dec. 2016

These days do you feel like our entire country has squeezed its eyes shut while drunk driving on a mountain? Did you recently become unglued on public transit after Googling “war in Syria”? Has an uncanny feeling washed over you like the garbage-filled ocean as you come face-to-face with history’s idiotic repetition?

Well, stop your weeping! This book is designed to help you grab a cozy blanket to hide under while the world burns around you. Hygge, in Danish, means being safe, snug, and secure. It entails hot beverages, warm candles, and finding happiness in little things you can buy at Paper Source. Hygge is natural, but you must strive for it. It’s easy and relaxed, but complex enough that you can substitute it for religion.

Too many of us are rushing from one thing to the next, caught up in the information overload, that we forget to take time to let ourselves be. Hygge slows us down so we can enjoy life’s cozy moments. It’s a lifestyle that’s a warm hug, a thundershirt, a cashmere throw laced with chloroform. Try these ten easy tips to add hygge to your life!  

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Loosely Literal: Barron Trump's Diary

Posted on Wed, Dec 7 2016 9:00 am by Sally Franson

Dear Diary:

Boy a lot has happened since the last time I wrote in here. One thing that happened is that Tiffany St. Clair told Josh to tell me she liked me. I asked Josh, like or like-like, and he said what do you think and wiggled his eyebrows. I said I don’t know and he said think about it and I said I was and he said the same thing happened to him after his dad came and talked to us about working for the C.I.A. He said, you know what b-words be like, and I nodded like I knew. Yeah, I said, B-words. Except I said the real thing.

Another thing that happened is that my Dad’s almost President. I got excited cause I thought it meant we were moving, but then Mom said we weren’t. Her and my Dad got into a big fight about it. Mom wanted to move but Dad didn’t want her to, I think cause he wants a new wife in Washington. Mom got sad cause she had already picked out new china for the White House. Dad said what’s the big deal, you can pick out new china here, but Mom said it wasn’t the same cause foreign dig-it Harrys wouldn’t eat on it. Then she stomped off to her Pilates room.

Then my Dad pulled a Filet-o-Fish out of his briefcase and yelled at me to stop looking at him. My Dad only eats McDonald’s in private. He gets sweaty when he eats it, like he’s exercising.

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Loosely Literal: Introduction to NASTY WOMAN: The Melania Trump Autobiography

Posted on Wed, Nov 2 2016 9:00 am by Sally Franson

Melania Trump never set out to be a hero. She was already 46 when her husband, the late Donald Trump, began his campaign for the Presidency in 2015, and claims that, unlike Mr. Trump, she had no interest in the public eye. In the prologue to her autobiography, she writes, “I never wanted to be on campaign, are you kidding me? It like throwing self into crowd of hungry dogs” (iv).

Yet Mr. Trump’s numerous transgressions throughout the campaign season eventually behooved the reticent Ms. Trump to take a more active role. She was required to defend her husband’s predatory behavior toward women, hard-line immigration policies, and insubstantiated claims of greatness on more than one occasion, including a rather bewildering interview in October of 2016 with then-CNN host Anderson Cooper. During this interview, she explained her then-70-year-old husband should not be held responsible for the things he had said, since he was nothing but a child. “He’s led on -- like, egged on -- ...to say dirty and bad stuff.”

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Loosely Literal: Dr. Kafka Will See You Now

Posted on Wed, Sep 14 2016 9:00 am by Sally Franson

PATIENT: Doctor, help! I think I broke my ankle!
EMILY DICKINSON: (stares out the window)
PATIENT: Hello?
EMILY DICKINSON: I could not prove the years had feet.
PATIENT: Should I...take my bandage off? Or...
EMILY DICKINSON: Feet stagger -- feathers float -- hope -- drifts --
PATIENT: Now that you mention it, I am hoping for some Vicodin.
EMILY DICKINSON: The element of blank --

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Loosely Literal: Waiting for Vaporeon

Posted on Tue, Jul 26 2016 9:00 am by Sally Franson

Hey, what’s up.
What do you mean, what am I doing? Same thing you’re doing.
Aren’t you a little young for this?
I’m not old. How old are you? Twelve?
EHHH. Wrong. Thirty-five. Nice try, not.
Very funny. At least my mom doesn’t buy my clothes for me.
Cargo shorts are always cool. Look how much I can fit in the pockets!
Yeah, that’s my car.
Whatever, at least my mom didn’t drive me.

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Loosely Literal: The Chekhov Gun Act

Posted on Fri, Jun 24 2016 9:00 am by Sally Franson

AN ACT,

IN MEMORIAM OF A. CHEKHOV (“SOVIET ALIEN”),

WHOSE DRAMATIC PRINCIPLE STATES THAT A GUN HANGING ON THE WALL IN THE FIRST ACT MUST BE SHOT BY THE THIRD,

To promote the use of firearms in contemporary American literature, to enhance and augment the presence of firearms in canonical American literature, and whatever else the National Rifle Association (“NRA”) wants to do when they need a break from shooting Firearms (“Freedom Sticks”), 

Be it enacted by the Senate and House of Representatives of the United States of America in Congress assembled!

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Loosely Literal: Donald Trump’s Summer Reading List

Posted on Fri, Jun 3 2016 9:00 am by Sally Franson

I have heard from hundreds of thousand of people asking me what I’m reading this summer. Believe me. People are very, very, very excited to hear what I’m reading. What I’m reading is amazing, truly amazing. My friend who’s a famous writer, he says it’s the most amazing reading list he’s ever seen. It’s also not small. I guarantee there’s nothing small about me, nothing. Men read faster than women. Dozens of people have told me this, expert people. I don’t know, that’s just what people are telling me.

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Loosely Literal: 10 Must-Try Literary Diets

Posted on Thu, Apr 28 2016 9:00 am by Sally Franson

Ladies! Spring has sprung and you know what that means: IT’S TIME TO DIET! These winter muffin tops aren’t going to eat themselves, ladies, and ladies: nothing feels better than fitting into a smaller pair of pants. But ladies! There are better ways to lose weight than jumping on a treadmill or throwing your bread in the trash. Books not only give us something to talk about with your friends besides television, they’re also hotbeds of thinspiration. Follow the advice of these fabulous literary ladies to the letter (get it?!), or mix and match from below. But whatever you do, ladies, remember: you are what you eat!

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Loosely Literal: A Serious Person's Top Five AWP Events

Posted on Tue, Mar 29 2016 9:00 am by Sally Franson

The annual, and very serious, Association of Writing and Writing Programs conference is just around the corner, and if you’re a serious person flying to Los Angeles in order to attend, you might already be feeling overwhelmed by how much serious opportunity will soon be available to you. We here at Loosely Literal, a very serious blog, are committed to streamlining and optimizing your AWP experience so that you can get the most out of your serious registration fees. Here’s our rundown of the events you should seriously plan on attending. For more information, come check out our booth in the LA Convention Center’s boiler room.

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Loosely Literal: Donald Trump Eulogizes Harper Lee

Posted on Fri, Feb 26 2016 9:00 am by Sally Franson

Hello.

Look, I was asked to speak today as the Republican frontfunner, I’m really rich, I just won the South Carolina primary. I’m practically a Southerner! I love the South, I’m good friends with the Southern people.

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