Loosely Literal: Barron Trump's Diary

Posted on Wed, Dec 7 2016 9:00 am by Sally Franson

Dear Diary:

Boy a lot has happened since the last time I wrote in here. One thing that happened is that Tiffany St. Clair told Josh to tell me she liked me. I asked Josh, like or like-like, and he said what do you think and wiggled his eyebrows. I said I don’t know and he said think about it and I said I was and he said the same thing happened to him after his dad came and talked to us about working for the C.I.A. He said, you know what b-words be like, and I nodded like I knew. Yeah, I said, B-words. Except I said the real thing.

Another thing that happened is that my Dad’s almost President. I got excited cause I thought it meant we were moving, but then Mom said we weren’t. Her and my Dad got into a big fight about it. Mom wanted to move but Dad didn’t want her to, I think cause he wants a new wife in Washington. Mom got sad cause she had already picked out new china for the White House. Dad said what’s the big deal, you can pick out new china here, but Mom said it wasn’t the same cause foreign dig-it Harrys wouldn’t eat on it. Then she stomped off to her Pilates room.

Then my Dad pulled a Filet-o-Fish out of his briefcase and yelled at me to stop looking at him. My Dad only eats McDonald’s in private. He gets sweaty when he eats it, like he’s exercising.

Mom’s a little sore about foreign dig-it Harrys ever since Ivanka got to talk to the President of Argentina. Her and my Dad got into another big fight about it. She told my Dad in Spanish, You married me, not her, why can’t I talk to the President of Argentina. Actually she said, You hunted me, because she thought cazaste was casaste. She was trying to impress him. She teaches herself Spanish on the computer. I have to help her though, cause her English is bad and I take Spanish in school.

Anyway Dad got super mad cause he thinks nobody but him knows he loves Ivanka more than my Mom and also cause he’s bad at Spanish. Mom tried to get him to learn it with her but one time he got stuck on vocabulary and threw his phone against the wall. Now he’s going to build a wall so no one but me and Mom’ll know how bad he is at Spanish. That’s just the way Dad is. One time at school a fat lady came to talk to us about bullies and I came home crying so hard my mom had to sing to me in Slovenian. I was crying cause the fat lady gave us a list of things bullies do, and I realized my Dad did all of them.

After I calmed down I asked Mom if Dad was a bully, because if he was I would have to report him cause I signed a pledge. Mom said he wasn’t a bully, he was a good sweet man. Then she kissed my forehead. I said well then why does he want to deport Fatima’s entire family? And she pulled back and looked at me and said who told you that? And I said Fatima. Mom said I should report Fatima for being a bully, but Fatima’s not a bully, she’s the smartest girl in school. She stuck up for me when some of the older kids called me Chump. I felt bad when I saw her and some other girls crying after the election.

I don’t like Tiffany, but I do like Fatima, and Tiffany’s Fatima’s best friend. Josh says I can use Tiffany to get to Fatima like Josh’s dad used him to get to Josh’s nanny, but I don’t think I want a girlfriend yet. My Dad says he had tons of girlfriends by the time he was my age, but I don’t believe him cause he makes stuff up a lot. Hopefully he will not deport Fatima by the time I ask her to be my girlfriend, but if he does I will forgive him cause family comes first. My Dad taught me that. My Dad has taught me a lot of things, and now he’s going to teach America too. I just hope he is O.K. living in a house that doesn’t have his name on it. Or he can change it! That would be O.K. too.

Sally Franson received her B.A. from Barnard College and M.F.A. from the University of Minnesota. Her first novel, A Lady's Guide to Literature, will be published by Random House in 2018. sallyfranson.com