Loosely Literal: Donald Trump Eulogizes Harper Lee
Look, I was asked to speak today as the Republican frontfunner, I’m really rich, I just won the South Carolina primary. I’m practically a Southerner! I love the South, I’m good friends with the Southern people. Just like Harper I don’t have a racist bone in my body. When it comes to race and racism, I’m the least racist person there is. You put a lineup of all the great world leaders—me, Putin, whoever that guy is who runs China, love China by the way, I’ve done a lot of business with the Chinese—I’m the least racist of all of them. You ask my wife, even my ex-wives, who the least racist person is? They’ll all say me. Even people who don’t like me tell me I’m not racist. Jeb Bush might think I’m racist, but look what happened to him. Probably in Florida now crying to his mommy. That’s what happens when you come up against Trump. Bam! You’re fired.
Harper, I didn’t know her, but look, she wasn’t ugly. No Rosie O’Donnell, if you know what I mean. She had a nice figure. If she were thirty years younger than me, I’d date her. My wife Melia loves her. Melia’s a reader, though you wouldn’t know it, looking at her. I just mean readers don’t always have the best figures. Melia’s read Harper’s books. The one about the lawyer, and the—the other one. You know what it’s about, I don’t have to tell you.
They’re good books. Harper’s books. I read books. Of course I read books! Hundreds of books, more than you. I’m really rich! I write books too, if you hadn’t heard. I’ve written a hundred books! Books about getting rich, kicking ass, staying tough, and the America we deserve. I wrote a book about never giving up and to be honest I should’ve sent it to Harper. Harper gave up. Someone should’ve told her, look, you can’t just sit around in your house all day. Women, they’re like dogs, they like to sleep a lot, they’re always, you know, bleeding, they have a lazy nature just like—
Oh boy my campaign manager is about to have a hissy fit. Like a sissy. What? What’s with all this political correctness? Everyone knows I have a great relationship with the—I’ve always had a great relationship with the—we’re calling them African Americans now? Anyway, I’m just like Harper. Not a racist, great writer, love the South. America! Not Mexico! I’m going to build a wall to keep all the disgusting people out. It’s what Harper would have wanted.
Pretty soon they’ll be teaching my books in high schools around the country. Kids don’t need to learn about imaginary people. They need to learn about me! What does Trump think about this, what did Trump do about that. My next book is a history of the United States. It’s called, The United States of Trumpmerica. I haven’t written it yet, I’ve been busy with the Presidency. If Harper were alive I’d have her write it for me. I’m good with delegation. Problem is she’d probably’ve fallen in love with me.
In conclusion, it’s too bad that this broad’s dead but here’s the thing: everybody dies except me. I’m Donald Trump! Trump lives forever.
Sally Franson received her MFA in creative writing from the University of Minnesota and was a 2012 GRPP Fellow. Her work has recently appeared in Witness, Room, elimae, and Bartleby Snopes, among others, and she was the winner of the Loft’s Fall Writing Contest in 2012. She is also a recipient of a 2014 Minnesota State Arts Board Artist Initiative Grant. In addition to teaching and finishing her first book, Sally is a contributing writer toThe Fiddleback and Paper Darts. sallyfranson.com